What We Learn from College: Part 2

Some more, 'what the hell?' professor-al comments from second semester of college (2009-2010).

A very short list. I wasn't very good at keeping track of the silly things my professors said...

General Chemistry

This is a fire blanket. It is useful for many things. Putting out fires is NOT one of them.

You know that Noble Gases aren't exactly friendly named, right? The Nobles didn't do anything...just like the Noble Gases You can bet that hundreds of years ago when these scientists were naming the periodic table, they were all like "stick it to the man! Let's name them Noble gases!

And now let's work with propane...and propane accessories.

Organismal Biology

Yes, there is a book about discovering your inner fish.

Archeology and the Bible

Like when the Assyrian army apparently all perished while invading Israel. What killed them? Plague? "Bad water?
Classmate: Swine flu

What We Learn from College: Part 1

College is a place to discover yourself. To learn about the world around you. About your major and eventual career. To be...sarcastic? Insulting? Learn about professors' sex lives? Or sex in general?

What kind of place is this?!

Well ANYWAY, these are a collection of quotes from my professors. Part one stars professors from my first year of college (2008-2009)

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Semester 1

Cultural Anthropology

"I don't know what offends you. It would be like a women volleyball team calling themselves the skank whores...or the menstral flows...or the skanky bitch whores...

--talking about mislabeling cultures (specifically the whole Sioux debate...)

So what are the Native Americans in Minnesota called? Anyone? Anyone? ...*silence* Bueller...Bueller...?

What can you not do with your cousin?

Marry them
Why not?
Because it's not cool.
Because it's not cool...
And you just can't
Why not? Is his wee-wee going to start blinking and sounding an alarm when he gets near your hoo-hoo?

Did anything spring from HIS vagina??

--While learning about descent

General Psychology

Hello to all our guests! We're glad you could make it for the exam...you should try coming more often.

You guys are paying to come to this class and you start packing up five minutes before class is over. Now you want extra credit for coming to a class that you paid for and never want any extra of my free time.

--on Halloween when hardly anyone showed up to class

Intro to Literature

Isn't it funny that he is described as a fox...like Fox network...Why DID they name it Fox news anyway? Anyone know why? Anyone? No? Ok then, back to discussion *starts talking again*

Speech

Do you want to introduce us to your guest?
Um...I'm Charles. I'm actually in this class, but I haven't come before.
...ooohhh...

--This is why you come to class kids.

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Semester 2

Shakespeare and British Literature

"Bloom's Anxiety of Influence is very Freudian...Some writers can get over this by "killing" their predecessor, seen as the "father" like in the Oedipus complex.

*little bit later*

T.S. Eliot wrote the Tradition and the Individual talent, contradicting this.

So basically, Eliot killed his father, Bloom, and I think they're both full of crap."

"K-n-ic-t is how they would say it. Which leads us to a Monty Python reference- The knights who say Nee"

"What the fluck?"

"I mean what the f...heck is going on with this scene???

*little later*

"It is strange. I almost said what the fuck..."

--discussing "Merchant of Venice"

"So what's the difference between a comedy and a tragedy? In a comedy everyone gets married and in a tragedy everyone dies."

"Shakespeare's comedy--Ha ha. Rape."

--discussing "Two Gentleman of Verona"

Intro to Math

"Well we have to use Captain DeMorgan again! ...Just kidding...

--On DeMorgan's Laws


"You guys are like definition ninjas. Just waiting...waiting...waiting for the right moment to strike and give the answer"

-After someone finally gave the definition he wanted...after a long silence of course.


"How many of you have done proofs before?"
*hands raise*
"How many of you enjoyed or understood them?"
*all hands go down*
"...guess what we get to do next!"

Melodrama of a Computer Virus Battle

Once upon a time, in Computerland (also known as Simon) the system administrator, Staci, logged on to do homework, only to discover that a battle was in progress. Vista Internet Security thought it funny to invade the lovely Computerland and ravage the country side with spam about viruses and protection, and making it all unpleasant to live in...and getting worse by the second.

This meant war.

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Alright men, what's going on? What's the situation?

...

A computer virus!! How the hell did that get past General McAfee?

...

A disguise you say? One masking itself as a legitimate computer virus scan software? The bastards! We'll soon take care of the nuisances! To arms, men! To the Internet!

...

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY'VE CAPTURED THE INTERNET??? They've now taken out our main virus defense and our backup plan...

RETREAT!!!

...

Alright men, we're now locked down into safe mode. The enemy is surrounding us, finding us even here. You can hear the evil pop-ups promising virus protection...But they have backed off the Internet. Time to download some reinforcements...

...

THE REINFORCEMENTS HAVE BEEN SABOTAGED??? THEY WON'T WORK PROPERLY??? CRAP!!! Backup number two...um...More reinforcements!

...

...Ok, here's our situation. Every passing moment the battlefield becomes more congested. Reinforcements have arrived...but they're kind of being prisses and not starting up. Want to say our prayers now?

OF COURSE NOT! We will prevail! Quick! To the System Restore Time Machine!

...

I don't care if time machines are real or not, just roll with it!

...

Here we are, two days in the past. It was a long and arduous journey, but the enemy is nowhere in sight. We must hurry to send for our backup backup reinforcements before the enemy comes again. Maybe this time they actually WORK.

...

Hurray! They worked! Captain Malwarebyte's army is scanning the perimeter as we speak. They've captured 38 of the enemy so far.

What do we do with them, you ask? Why, we remove them and send them into the black nothingness that is...well, I really don't know what it is, but they aren't coming back. Least lets hope not.

McAfee is SO getting a good talking to for this. I'm thinking probation, suspension, removal from office. AHA! Removal from office!!! That's IT!!

Bring in Captain Kaspersky, I need to have a word with him about a promotion...

How Science Answers Life Questions

I spend a lot of time in the computer lab attached to the science building. A consequence of being a biology major. There are whiteboards in this lab.

These boards can have some very interesting things written on them. We've had invertebrate zoology data, data from the the famous organismal lab on goldenrod galls, chemistry k values, physics equations, ect.

Well, one day a couple of weeks ago, someone wrote a very poignant question:

"Why is it that when life finally seems to be going your way, it falls apart all at once?"

With best interests at heart, the science majors had a few things to say (And yes, I answered it too)

**Because that is life. Nothing is perfect and everything is always changing.

**This is when we find out what(who) we truly are. Our values, moral teachings, and respect for ourselves, others, and life are revealed. This sets us above animals."

**Wao that is for much pain for life Side note: ...yeah, I can't read the writing...

**Because life sucks

**Choose C

**The answer to life is 42

**(pointing at last answer) Verified OR 47 if you adjust for inflation.

**My teeth itch

**Sadly, that is the nature of life. If you stay calm and put the pieces back together, the experience will make you stronger.

Who says science can't have a heart? :D

Texts: Of Batman and Ghosts

Staci: *sends out the Batsignal* D:

Rachel: Lol for?

Staci: Class is driving me crazy.

Rachel: Sorry, Batman has class

Staci: Well screw you. And you wonder why I dislike Batman.

Rachel: I thought you maybe had something against capes...

Staci: Pfft nah. But I don't get the point of capes. Essentially useless...and dangerous for the wearer...

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Rachel: My last class was so boring the whole room died of boredom.

Staci: ...How are you texting me then if you are dead?

Rachel: Told you ghosts are real! Hope you enjoy me haunting your ass forever!

Staci: You better keep paying rent. Your name is still on the contract. Also, I'm a scientist; I'm just going to want to find out what you're made of. Interview plz?

Rachel: Really? You wanna find out? Because I'm a ghost and I could be inside you ;)

Staci: Would you really want to be in me? Because you may get stuck in my mind and have to put up with me and going to all my classes. Want to risk that?

Rachel: I could have fun in there. Besides, I'll take over.

Staci: ...Stay away from my mind lol.

Rachel: It's dark in here...

Staci: You mean in your class or in my brain? Because if it's in my brain, I don't know what you're talking about...the computer screen lights all...

Rachel: Knock, knock

Staci: Already have a monster headache. Don't push it, ghosty.

Rachel:BoOoOoO!

Staci: Out of my head goddammit!!! It hurts D: